Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
