Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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