Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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