True but thats because hes a fetus.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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