so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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