U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
