when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize