Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize