mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
