You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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