Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
