You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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