just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
