Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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