Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
