just come out here and I will go home with you...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
