You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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