the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
