my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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