i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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