Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
