Whod you bang
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
