I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
