I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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