Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
