i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize