My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
