at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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