Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
