areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize