my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
