We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
