i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
