I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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