I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize