Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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