We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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