I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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