if i can run in heels then i can drive
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
