I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
