note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize