dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
