how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
