Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
