Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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