I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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