The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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