She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
