Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How does one acquire holy water?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
