can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
