I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
you will always have a special place in my vag
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
