I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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