when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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