in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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