everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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